diary of an unplanned life: another lost girl

Thursday, June 23, 2005

I was asked:

"what is a monroe piercing? I may have had pink hair but I'm still not "in" enough to know what that means."

A Monroe piercing is, well, the piercing that you see on my face. It is called that because it is modelled after Marilyn Monroe's mole. They've become incredibly popular around here (almost sickeningly so...to the point where i might take mine out just so SOMEone in my city doesn't have one), and most people wear a diamond stud in them. I need to go buy one of those, as I am still wearing the initial silver/pink rhinestone stud from piercing.

quick response...

Someone asked if my mole was fake. It is not a mole, nor is it a fake mole. It is just my Monroe piercing. Guess it is hard to distinguish in photographs. But yeah, just a piercing.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005


I honestly did not expect to get this many comments, especially so early on. It seems someone has stumbled upon me and passed the word along to a great many of their friends. Please be patient and I will try to respond to your comments on Thursday, when my internet gets turned on at home. Thanks for your concern. Until later...

A Picture Share!

I look so young...

A Picture Share!

This is little old me...with my really expensive new hair.

Monday, June 20, 2005

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this is an audio post - click to play
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this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

Sunday, June 19, 2005

A Picture Share!

But seriously, do they really ever have much of a choice?

A Picture Share!

He insists on using the little one..calls it a snack cart. I refuse to push it, though. If my hubby wants to look like a dork, let him.I look odd enough anyway.

this is an audio post - click to play
this is an audio post - click to play

A Picture Share!

I call bullshit...

A Picture Share!

Testing out sending photos on my mobile blogger...a green river i drank today..yippee!

June 19 2005

Can it really be Father's Day already? These types of holidays are very melancholy for me, having given three children up for adoption after raising them for awhile. This year it was on Mother's Day that I found out I was pregnant with A___'s child. And now, on Father's Day, I put on my birth control patch, after recovering from the abortion. Not the happy set of holidays it should be for myself and others in my life. But, well...so goes life.

I am at the library right now, so I am taking advantage of not having to post by phone - thus, writing something of substance. I got a few comments from Brandy, an old friend of mine (online...never met in person) who I have had differences with in the past due to my own emotional issues and inability to accept people as they are. I am happy beyond belief to hear from Brandy again, as she is one of the most stable people I have ever met in my life. Brandy, you have an amazing head on your shoulders...you have your priorities straight, and you don't cave in to weaknesses of the human spirit. You are a great wife, great mother, great student, great friend, and I hope that people appreciate you for it. I am just happy to know that there are still good people out there...people unlike me (who gives in very easily to temptations and constantly makes the wrong choices). I am glad that there are still people out there who find things in life to enjoy, and who make the best of the gifts and talents they are blessed with.

As far as the shaved head...not quite sure what to say. A lot of people want to know why I did it, and what it is like. Well, for me, I wish I could say it was a "new beginning" or a sort of cleansing thing...in some ways, I guess it was. I wanted to be chemical free (my hair had been dyed a lot, not to mention all of the drug traces sitting in my hair follicles), but most of all, I just wanted control over something...I wanted to do something that was completely free of other people or their advice or their decisions. I wanted to show myself that I could act without caring what people would think or say. I felt I had no control over anything else in my life...I was facing an unwanted pregnancy and could not use escapism...I obviously would not drink or use drugs in pregnancy...so I did the only "crazy, unexcpected" thing I could think of to do...something no one would ever imagine me doing. I shaved my head, and lived to regret it. I hate it. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. It seems to have changed my entire facial structure. I look for something familiar, something to tell me, "This is still me," but I fail. My sense of self-worth has diminished since the shaved head incident. I wish I could say something positive about it...but I am unable to at this time.

What else? Oh, A___. He is a wonderful person, despite what others may think of him. I understand him. He is simply of a class that I could never fit in with. He lives in a nice condo downtown. He is the son of a lawyer. He has a bachelor's degree. He knows what he wants to do with his life, even though he isn't currently doing it - and it is something honorable and giving. He has lived life...hiked the West Coast, gone to a prestigious college and dropped out because he wanted to be completely financially independent from his parents. He will be 29 in a month, but is so youthful and vibrant (yet not in the least immature). Being around him actually makes me feel like a better person. It is not necessarily that I want to be with him...but perhaps the real issue is that I want to be like him. He is my prototype for the perfect 29 year old. Cultured, intelligent, well-rounded...free, egoless, inherently good...in short, everything I have ever wished to be but couldn't quite pull off. He is not the negative influence in my life...the negativity comes from within myself. I have a hard time accepting that I love someone and am not loved back. But at the same time, I am loved by others whom I can not make myself love, so I should know where he's coming from. You can't force yourself to feel something for a person when, well, you just don't feel it. And in his case, he doesn't feel it. It's not a dis on me - it does not mean I am defective, or that I lack anything...just that I am not the one. I still feel good when I am around him, though. I think in many ways I respect him more now than I did before this whole situation occured. He went through an experience with me that he did not have to go through...he chose to be there by my side, to be responsible for a situation that he created, even when I told him he didn't have to. He is an honorable person, and I respect him more than anyone I have ever met or probably will ever meet. Anyhow, yes, I know...working at a strip club with an ex-lover is not exactly a good idea...but right now, it's necessary. I need to show myself that I can be strong and that I can overcome these things.

I think I am going to attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tomorrow evening. The idea frightens me, because it means admitting to myself that I do have a problem. But once again, it is something that is necessary. I took a self-test quiz for Cocaine addiction on the Cocaine Anonymous website and answered yes to every single question, of which there were about thirty. At the end, it said, "If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with cocaine and should seek help immediately." And so, I am taking the first step. Wish me luck. I have to beat this thing before I end up dead.

Saturday, June 18, 2005

post five june 18 2005

Watched Donnie Darko. At the end, a song lyric sums up my entire life. "The dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had."

post four june 18 2005

My burrito has cactus and mushrooms in it. Not sure how i feel about that. Maybe it will make me hallucinate. Ha..

post three june 18 2005

Today I was walking down the street and someone at a stop light yelled "T___". That was my stage name. I looked to see who it was and saw a car with five teenagers in it...two guys and three girls. No idea how there kids would have known my stage name from a strip club that you must be 21 to enter, but they did. That they recognized me with a shaved head is almost as strange, he not more so.

a bit confused...

About how to send pics to this blog using my mobile account. i used my sprint pcs e-mail account to open it..guess i was supposed to use text messaging if i wanted to send photos. i'll figure it out.

post one: june 18th 2005

i am yet another - just one of many in this galaxy of the lost. i had an abortion on monday. i don't know how to feel about it. i am also coming upon the realization that i may have a problem with cocaine. i shaved my head and now need to buy a wig in order to go back to work (i am a dancer). i don't have the money for one, however. i am badly in debt. i need to begin working as soon as possible. it will not be easy - the man that i love, my 6 month long repeated one-night-stand who i had an abortion with on monday is a co-worker. he's one of my bartenders. i don't know how i'm going to face him but i have every right to be back at work, same as him. i did not quit because of the pregnancy. i quit because of a drug scare that left me in no shape to report to work. thankfully, i was scared straight. then, the pregnancy. i was going to keep the baby. but he told me that if i did, he would make sure i was seen as unfit to raise my child. and, because of that, and because of the fact that i had used cocaine and heroin at the beginning of the pregnancy, before i found out i was carrying a child, i decided the best thing to do would be to abort. so on monday, he went with me, and he paid for it. we drove his girlfriend's car, which was odd. tuesday night i used cocaine for the first time in months. thursday night, my 5 year wedding anniversary (difficult situation, hard to explain), rather than being with my husband, i snorted a LOT of what was supposed to be cocaine, but once again, wasn't. maybe PCP or something like that. i'm not sure. i need to stop. i almost got hit by cars. people were honking. i was hallucinating. i was melting but at the same time jittery. my eyes were nothing but black. now, on saturday, i have a runny nose that just won't quit, and i am unable to breathe. i have to go back to work on the 27th, but my boss wants to see me first. and i don't have a wig. and i can't afford one until next friday. the 24th. and if he sees me with a shaved head, i doubt he'll rehire me. not only that, but i have no idea how ridiculous i might look with a wig on. i feel stupid just knowing that i'll have to wear one. why can't i go somewhere where i will be accepted for who i am? where short hair on a dancer isn't a big deal? where i am seen as beautiful without having to change myself. why can't i live in a world where jobs that do NOT involve taking off my clothes will hire me, give me a chance, even with no experience. i feel like i am going back into a snakepit. i don't know what to make of it. and seeing A___, my love...fuck. i feel so thrown away. i feel like everyone will somehow know. they will always see me as the good girl who somehow became a cokehead and OD's on heroin and had to quit her job. they will see the fool who fell in love with her bartender only to have their first actual "date", their first time out in public together, a trip to an abortion clinic in his girlfriend's car...the money he should have spent takign me out to dinners, etc., instead spent on vacuuming a fetus out of my womb. the things that we should have already known about each other before having sex, instead learned in the 9 hours spent together at the clinic. my fake smile afterwards..."thank you. this is the best thing you could ever have done for me. you have no idea how much you have helped me. i thought i would be sad, but i just feel relief. i'm incredibly happy about this. it wasn't bad at all. it was nothing." all lies. and then my guilt when i realized that i really don't feel all that bad about the abortion. and then my guilt for thinking that i should feel guilty. confucion, all the way around. things i may never be able to grasp. feelings that elude me. a past that will forever haunt me. a sick desire to go to work with a gun, go downstairs to the bathroom in the basement...the one that A and I first fucked in...the night i threw my marriage away. go in with a gun. sit on the floor. scrawl a quick note in eyeliner. he is bartending upstairs...it's saturday night. note: "A___, thanks for the abortion. i'm sorry i didn't take the opportunity to make my life better. my dreams died that day. i didn't predict the hopelessness i would feel. no matter what you think of me, i love you. j___." and then put the loaded gun in my mouth, angled upwards, pull the trigger. head blown apart, brains everywhere, right where it all began...with my eyes open, so i can see the very end, the last moment. yeah i know..pathetic. i'm 23...i have everything to live for...things must improve. if only money didn't make the world go round. but anyone who says it doesn't hasn't been in my shoes. at least i can say that i never blew my money on drugs. they were always free. an endless supply, always free. that's the hell of it. i know that it's available. i wish it wasn't. sometimes i just want the lights to go out. three months ago, i had been completely clean since may of 2000. five years, nothing. and in an instant, i snorted my life up my nose and felt it drain down my throat. now i'm lost and don't know where to begin...i just want to find peace, calm, normality. i just want to be able to love myself, be proud of myself, enjoy waking up in the morning. i don't want to see my abortion every time i catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. and i don't want to care that A___ doesn't love me.