diary of an unplanned life: another lost girl

Sunday, June 19, 2005

June 19 2005

Can it really be Father's Day already? These types of holidays are very melancholy for me, having given three children up for adoption after raising them for awhile. This year it was on Mother's Day that I found out I was pregnant with A___'s child. And now, on Father's Day, I put on my birth control patch, after recovering from the abortion. Not the happy set of holidays it should be for myself and others in my life. But, well...so goes life.

I am at the library right now, so I am taking advantage of not having to post by phone - thus, writing something of substance. I got a few comments from Brandy, an old friend of mine (online...never met in person) who I have had differences with in the past due to my own emotional issues and inability to accept people as they are. I am happy beyond belief to hear from Brandy again, as she is one of the most stable people I have ever met in my life. Brandy, you have an amazing head on your shoulders...you have your priorities straight, and you don't cave in to weaknesses of the human spirit. You are a great wife, great mother, great student, great friend, and I hope that people appreciate you for it. I am just happy to know that there are still good people out there...people unlike me (who gives in very easily to temptations and constantly makes the wrong choices). I am glad that there are still people out there who find things in life to enjoy, and who make the best of the gifts and talents they are blessed with.

As far as the shaved head...not quite sure what to say. A lot of people want to know why I did it, and what it is like. Well, for me, I wish I could say it was a "new beginning" or a sort of cleansing thing...in some ways, I guess it was. I wanted to be chemical free (my hair had been dyed a lot, not to mention all of the drug traces sitting in my hair follicles), but most of all, I just wanted control over something...I wanted to do something that was completely free of other people or their advice or their decisions. I wanted to show myself that I could act without caring what people would think or say. I felt I had no control over anything else in my life...I was facing an unwanted pregnancy and could not use escapism...I obviously would not drink or use drugs in pregnancy...so I did the only "crazy, unexcpected" thing I could think of to do...something no one would ever imagine me doing. I shaved my head, and lived to regret it. I hate it. I don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror. It seems to have changed my entire facial structure. I look for something familiar, something to tell me, "This is still me," but I fail. My sense of self-worth has diminished since the shaved head incident. I wish I could say something positive about it...but I am unable to at this time.

What else? Oh, A___. He is a wonderful person, despite what others may think of him. I understand him. He is simply of a class that I could never fit in with. He lives in a nice condo downtown. He is the son of a lawyer. He has a bachelor's degree. He knows what he wants to do with his life, even though he isn't currently doing it - and it is something honorable and giving. He has lived life...hiked the West Coast, gone to a prestigious college and dropped out because he wanted to be completely financially independent from his parents. He will be 29 in a month, but is so youthful and vibrant (yet not in the least immature). Being around him actually makes me feel like a better person. It is not necessarily that I want to be with him...but perhaps the real issue is that I want to be like him. He is my prototype for the perfect 29 year old. Cultured, intelligent, well-rounded...free, egoless, inherently good...in short, everything I have ever wished to be but couldn't quite pull off. He is not the negative influence in my life...the negativity comes from within myself. I have a hard time accepting that I love someone and am not loved back. But at the same time, I am loved by others whom I can not make myself love, so I should know where he's coming from. You can't force yourself to feel something for a person when, well, you just don't feel it. And in his case, he doesn't feel it. It's not a dis on me - it does not mean I am defective, or that I lack anything...just that I am not the one. I still feel good when I am around him, though. I think in many ways I respect him more now than I did before this whole situation occured. He went through an experience with me that he did not have to go through...he chose to be there by my side, to be responsible for a situation that he created, even when I told him he didn't have to. He is an honorable person, and I respect him more than anyone I have ever met or probably will ever meet. Anyhow, yes, I know...working at a strip club with an ex-lover is not exactly a good idea...but right now, it's necessary. I need to show myself that I can be strong and that I can overcome these things.

I think I am going to attend a Narcotics Anonymous meeting tomorrow evening. The idea frightens me, because it means admitting to myself that I do have a problem. But once again, it is something that is necessary. I took a self-test quiz for Cocaine addiction on the Cocaine Anonymous website and answered yes to every single question, of which there were about thirty. At the end, it said, "If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you may have a problem with cocaine and should seek help immediately." And so, I am taking the first step. Wish me luck. I have to beat this thing before I end up dead.

2 Comments:

  • At 6/21/2005 09:20:00 AM, Blogger Kate said…

    Good luck with NA!

    You know, A may have everything going for him, but if he is willing to have sex (in a bathroom!!!?) with someone he doesn't love, and then encourages you to have an abortion (300 bucks for an abortion is a heck of a lot cheaper than child support) he is still cheap scum and a user.

     
  • At 6/22/2005 10:43:00 PM, Blogger achromic said…

    he sounds very chrismatic. I donno if he is a good person or a bad person.. I mean I donno the guy at all... What matters is how you feel about him and if you don't feel good being around him anymore then don't. I'm sure right now he looks like he has it more together then you... but ummmm how hard a step is that? right? Remember if you go to a meeting and it doesn't fit then go to another meeting keep going until you find some people that you can really relate to and feel comfortable with. THINK about a rehab... seriously it can give you time away from people/places/things and lots of people need that.

     

Post a Comment

<< Home