diary of an unplanned life: another lost girl

Saturday, June 18, 2005

post one: june 18th 2005

i am yet another - just one of many in this galaxy of the lost. i had an abortion on monday. i don't know how to feel about it. i am also coming upon the realization that i may have a problem with cocaine. i shaved my head and now need to buy a wig in order to go back to work (i am a dancer). i don't have the money for one, however. i am badly in debt. i need to begin working as soon as possible. it will not be easy - the man that i love, my 6 month long repeated one-night-stand who i had an abortion with on monday is a co-worker. he's one of my bartenders. i don't know how i'm going to face him but i have every right to be back at work, same as him. i did not quit because of the pregnancy. i quit because of a drug scare that left me in no shape to report to work. thankfully, i was scared straight. then, the pregnancy. i was going to keep the baby. but he told me that if i did, he would make sure i was seen as unfit to raise my child. and, because of that, and because of the fact that i had used cocaine and heroin at the beginning of the pregnancy, before i found out i was carrying a child, i decided the best thing to do would be to abort. so on monday, he went with me, and he paid for it. we drove his girlfriend's car, which was odd. tuesday night i used cocaine for the first time in months. thursday night, my 5 year wedding anniversary (difficult situation, hard to explain), rather than being with my husband, i snorted a LOT of what was supposed to be cocaine, but once again, wasn't. maybe PCP or something like that. i'm not sure. i need to stop. i almost got hit by cars. people were honking. i was hallucinating. i was melting but at the same time jittery. my eyes were nothing but black. now, on saturday, i have a runny nose that just won't quit, and i am unable to breathe. i have to go back to work on the 27th, but my boss wants to see me first. and i don't have a wig. and i can't afford one until next friday. the 24th. and if he sees me with a shaved head, i doubt he'll rehire me. not only that, but i have no idea how ridiculous i might look with a wig on. i feel stupid just knowing that i'll have to wear one. why can't i go somewhere where i will be accepted for who i am? where short hair on a dancer isn't a big deal? where i am seen as beautiful without having to change myself. why can't i live in a world where jobs that do NOT involve taking off my clothes will hire me, give me a chance, even with no experience. i feel like i am going back into a snakepit. i don't know what to make of it. and seeing A___, my love...fuck. i feel so thrown away. i feel like everyone will somehow know. they will always see me as the good girl who somehow became a cokehead and OD's on heroin and had to quit her job. they will see the fool who fell in love with her bartender only to have their first actual "date", their first time out in public together, a trip to an abortion clinic in his girlfriend's car...the money he should have spent takign me out to dinners, etc., instead spent on vacuuming a fetus out of my womb. the things that we should have already known about each other before having sex, instead learned in the 9 hours spent together at the clinic. my fake smile afterwards..."thank you. this is the best thing you could ever have done for me. you have no idea how much you have helped me. i thought i would be sad, but i just feel relief. i'm incredibly happy about this. it wasn't bad at all. it was nothing." all lies. and then my guilt when i realized that i really don't feel all that bad about the abortion. and then my guilt for thinking that i should feel guilty. confucion, all the way around. things i may never be able to grasp. feelings that elude me. a past that will forever haunt me. a sick desire to go to work with a gun, go downstairs to the bathroom in the basement...the one that A and I first fucked in...the night i threw my marriage away. go in with a gun. sit on the floor. scrawl a quick note in eyeliner. he is bartending upstairs...it's saturday night. note: "A___, thanks for the abortion. i'm sorry i didn't take the opportunity to make my life better. my dreams died that day. i didn't predict the hopelessness i would feel. no matter what you think of me, i love you. j___." and then put the loaded gun in my mouth, angled upwards, pull the trigger. head blown apart, brains everywhere, right where it all began...with my eyes open, so i can see the very end, the last moment. yeah i know..pathetic. i'm 23...i have everything to live for...things must improve. if only money didn't make the world go round. but anyone who says it doesn't hasn't been in my shoes. at least i can say that i never blew my money on drugs. they were always free. an endless supply, always free. that's the hell of it. i know that it's available. i wish it wasn't. sometimes i just want the lights to go out. three months ago, i had been completely clean since may of 2000. five years, nothing. and in an instant, i snorted my life up my nose and felt it drain down my throat. now i'm lost and don't know where to begin...i just want to find peace, calm, normality. i just want to be able to love myself, be proud of myself, enjoy waking up in the morning. i don't want to see my abortion every time i catch a glimpse of my body in the mirror. and i don't want to care that A___ doesn't love me.


  • At 6/19/2005 01:23:00 PM, Blogger Brandy said…

    I had no idea what has been going on in your life until now. I am sorry that things are not going as you would like. I know it is none of my business and you may not care about my opinions but I just wanted to tell you what you may already know: This so called A___ that you refer to doesn' seem like someone YOU should waste your time with. Unfortunately 'Love' does strange things to a person making them not think the way they should. If I were you I would find a different place to work away from all of the negativity that you see associated with this place and somehow try to forget who A__ is without using the drugs. Let me know what is going on, I will be here.

  • At 6/21/2005 02:58:00 PM, Blogger totus tuus maria said…

    Okay I just created a blog because I wanted to send you a comment. Listen up!! I used to live my life very similar to the way you live yours. There IS a light at the end of the tunnel but YOU need to choose to start heading towards it. I know you feel like there is darkness all around you but it can get better. You have fabulous instincts first of all. Do NOT go back to dancing. Where are your parents? Can they be tapped for a little help? Can you sell something to tie you over, computer, stereo, new car for an older car, old clothes to a resale shop????? Is enrolling in a live-in rehab a possiblity??? Do you have a roomate that can help you?? If you go back to this job you are sealing your fate. I want you to answer these questions if you can in your blog. The last thing is to say a little prayer. It doesn't have to be anything elaborate or crazy. Just ask for a little help honey and it will come.

  • At 6/21/2005 03:24:00 PM, Blogger Ann Marie said…

    You need to know that a lot of people are now reading this entery on your blog....your plight is something we are all very aware of. We have known the feelings you are going through...first know that there is more help out there then you may realize...Call the United Way in your area and tell them you situation.

    You don't have to go back to dancing and continue down this road of self-destruction...You have been giving another day to change your life...we get to start over every time we wake up...you can do this...believe you are a person worth loving and knowing...

  • At 6/21/2005 05:18:00 PM, Blogger Annie said…

    Hey, girl, I know I don't know you, but my heart hurts and wishes I could give you some words to encourage you. There's a lot of women out there reading your story, and who give a damn, since we've made a lot of mistakes ourselves, too. One of my friends is having trouble commenting since she doesn't have a blog of her own, so she asked me to post this for her. Here goes:

    Please, please let someone love you just one more time. There are people at your local ministry who are waiting for you right now. They specifically help women who have addictions and no money. They already love you, you just have to go to them and let them help you. You can have a happier life, even if you can't see it right now. It'll take some hard work, but I believe in you. Don't be afraid. Let them show you a kind of love you haven't seen before. Know that I love you and am praying for you right now.

    What she means by ministry is there are people who can help you, no judgment, no bible thumping, no trying to make you religious, not condemning you, but can help you with a place to live, andto kick the addiction, and to get job skills and stuff to help you get a better job where you don' thave to do the stuff that you know makes you feel bad and gets you tempted to be in trouble, and can even help you marriage-wise if you want to stay with your hubby.

    One place that can tell you where such helpers are in your area is optionline.org. YOU can also call them toll free at 1-800-395-HELP or IM or email them too: http://optionline.org/contact.html I know it looks like the pregnancy center people, but most times those same places help women after they decide to have the abortion. They do both. And they do it all for free and confidentially.

    Please don't give up, pls. call them and ask them for ALL the numbers of all the places offering this free help in your area. And just keep calling till you get thru.

    I was lost too, once. A lot of us were. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You probably feel like you are, but there are thousands, maybe hundreds of thousands of us who've been through what you're going through, to some degree or another.

    You deserve better than lowlife A___, and doing dope, and dancing for asshole guys who should be home with their wives. Brandy's right, he isn't worth wasting your time with. If he really cared, he wouldn't have been such a dick about the abortion and everything. But you are worthso much more than this life is offering you now. Do not let A____ win by ending your life, please. Don't let him win.

    They say that finding happiness is the best revenge. WE know that you can find it, you can find some caring people at those place to help you through this, all confidentially. I have friends who go out there to women even before they have the ab. and help them avoid it and get a new job and place to live and stuff. I am sorry that people like my friends weren't there when you went for your ab.

    I had mine 26 years ago. They weren't there for me either, then. I know only that I regret it every day now. I'll never have a daughter now. She was my only one.

    But I found help for my pain. You can too. Don't let A__ destroy you, honey, pls.

    There's a funny saying in Latin that works here:
    "Illegitamus non carbordundum est."

    It means, "Don't let the bastards run you down!" And A___ is a bastard. The hell with him.

    Pls. do let us know what's going on with you and if the ideas we've offered are helping or NOT. We want to hear from you. We know you feel lost, we don't want you to feel like that. All because we know how bad it feels, and how good it feels to be found again.

    Yeah, pls. answer us on your blog, OK? I'll post this on the later comments too, in case you're not checking back to this post...
    Hang in there, please, let us know...
    Annie B.

  • At 6/21/2005 07:54:00 PM, Blogger achromic said…

    you can make it thru' and without killing yourself or anyone else. Listen don't go back to that job.. I know you ain't got money and you donna know how your gonna make it but that job? it will eat at you and eat at you. I don't know which state you live in so it is hard to spefic about where and how to get help. BUT each state has help for you. I will help you get to that help and so will others here. No we won't send you money... we aren't stupid, but we can help you get thru' the paperwork and beuracray so that you can get into a rehab program and get training in a job that you might like and all that stuff. Let us help you...

  • At 6/21/2005 09:29:00 PM, Blogger ashli said…

    i am sorry for the loss of your precious child and sorry for the other losses you have been through recently. there's a sense of lost love, lost "sobriety", lost dignity... a lot of loss.

    "Come now, let us argue this out," says the LORD. "No matter how deep the stain of your sins, I can remove it. I can make you as clean as freshly fallen snow. Even if you are stained as red as crimson, I can make you as white as wool. If you will only obey me and let me help you..." isaiah 1:18-19

    that's a promise. a PROMISE.

    it is time to obey Him and let Him help you. in the midst of our deepest wrong, He sent His Son to make it right. you are precious to your Creator. take annie's advice.

    believe me when i say that i'm not glossing over your situation with a cheap platitude; i aborted my child in the second trimester. i hit rock bottom. i had to choose again. i could drag myself down to despair and death or i could choose to come up for air, to detoxify, to live.

    Christ is waiting to hold you.

    give in. it's time.


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